Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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