you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
