onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Oh god it's open bar.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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