I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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