I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you had me at cake vodka
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
