I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
