Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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