I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
