Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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