she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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