i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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