i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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