I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
