She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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