Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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