I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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