I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
