wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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