well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
