wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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