Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
