I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
people are starting to question the shark bite story
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
