I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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