lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
