you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
