Sponge bath it is.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
