just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
