that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
