And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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