Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
