don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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