Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
