I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
