I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
