I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
