just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize