there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
