My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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