a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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