I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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