I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
