Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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