one two three fourrrrnication!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
