I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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