I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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