I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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