I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
