No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
