ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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