This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
