i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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