I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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