I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
