Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
