I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
