We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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