Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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