38 yer olds are good kisserssss
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
