I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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