Too much gin, very little bucket
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
