we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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